"The role of helper is not to do things for the person you are helping, but to the BE things, not to try to train and change his action, but to train and change our own reaction." from the Blue Booklet of Nar-Anon.  We cannot force outcomes, well, we can try but it is exhausting.  Any who have a loved one caught in the grip of addiction, if we are honest with ourselves, have tried to 'make it happen' for them.  Family members and friends can get as controlling and manipulative as the addict.  As we learn about the illness of addiction, we see that it is a family illness and everyone is involved one way or another.  From keeping secrets to preserving the family image, from helping without having been asked to drawing lines in the sand.  Sometimes it is so clear to family and friends what needs to be done that we try every way we know to get them to stop using.  One Al-Anon member says 'the rocks in my head fit the holes in his' describing her relationship with her addict. 

So how can we BE?  We can take care of ourselves instead of trying to take care of someone else because they are not taking care of themselves in the way we think they should.  We can be honest, especially with ourselves.  We can learn about addiction so that we can help instead of enabling the illness.  There is another saying in Al-Anon called The Three Cs, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.  Sometimes we have to learn how NOT to be before we learn how to BE.  When we learn how to BE, we find serenity.

It isn't easy, it's painful, it stetches us, it's humbling, but it's a beautiful thing when a family gets into recovery.